Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
