There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You are the jesus of drinking
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
