she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
