too bad you live with your parents still
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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