i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
