Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
