He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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