she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can't turn off my feet"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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