toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
