Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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