Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
