If i come over, it means nothing
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
