It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
