Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
What a fucking waste of an outfit
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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