He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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