so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
