He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
