evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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