soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
