bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
