some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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