The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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