Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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