Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
