where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
