What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Randomize
