You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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