I can text with my tongue
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
