it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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