I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
