Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
