you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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