so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
