My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
