suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
