I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
it's like heaven, but drunker
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Randomize
