just survived the first fart of the relationship.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize