that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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