i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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