yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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