worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
