my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
