She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
