woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
