I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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