Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
