arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Randomize
