How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
