Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
