Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
