she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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